There's Something Wrong With My Wife's Travel Face!
Branelle and I have been together for over 10 years now, and I can finally say this out loud: There's something wrong with my wife's travel face!
I've noticed the occasional "odd" look from her at times, but just dismissed it as a result of her growing up too close to Canada. I started to become concerned when looking back at old pictures and realized that anytime she leaves Texas her face seems to lack the ability to remain properly affixed.
My initial response was to feel sorry for her - basically just pity.
Next I tried to make her feel better by making myself weird looking, but that's clearly very difficult to do.
Finally I just resigned myself to having a very "special" wife.
The more I looked back at old pictures, the more I realized - I could probably do about a dozen volumes of this post.
I've tried things over the years. I tried feeding her and then taking a quick shot. Nope.
I've tried letting her take the pictures. Nope.
Perhaps altitude would solve the problem? Nope.
Her taking the pictures at altitude? Nope.
Perhaps sea level...or actually on the sea? Nope.
Pregnancy seemed to have no effect for the better.
Back to trying to compensate by making strange faces as well (but the camera just loves me too much).
Who's got two thumbs and something wrong with her travel face? This girl!
Perhaps the sun in her face would force a "workable" picture? Nope.
Confined spaces? Nope.
Even when she's completely alone and has nothing to focus on but smiling for the camera....she just can't control her face.
It's sort of like an involuntary reaction. When I point a camera in her general direction, her tongue becomes too big for her mouth, her neck can't support the weight of her head, and her eyes - somehow - become different sizes.
I tried to fix the issue by having her focus on one thing at a time. For this shot I said "Okay, just focus on smiling while keeping your tongue in your mouth." Progress?
"Good, good. Now this time let's see some teeth with that smile gorgeous."
"Okay, this time how about a profile shot (doesn't matter if the eyes are symmetrical or not) and just focus on keeping your neck straight." Clearly the tongue issue is back.
Perhaps formal night would do it? Nope.
Maybe if I gave her a task to perform so she had something else to focus on? Nope.
Perhaps if she has something stunning to look at she'll be so enchanted that I can catch that natural shot of her gazing off into the.......nope.
Maybe if I'm in the shot with her and hold her real tight and say 1..2..3...? Nope.
I've tried to just whip around and take a shot without her knowing about it. Nope.
I've tried this at mealtimes as well. Also nope.
The neck issue rears its' ugly head again.
What if I caught her in a quiet moment of introspection? Nope.
It's a very real concern. I'd like for our children to have at least one picture of their beautiful mother abroad when they get older that they can actually show their children.
I thought I finally found a solution once. If I gave her ice cream, which she loves, her eyes stayed the same size and her head stayed upright, and the cold dairy product obviously kept her tongue from swelling up. Sadly, this isn't a long term solution. If I give her ice cream every time I want to take a picture of her I'll need a wide angle lens soon.
...and it doesn't always work.
Alcohol doesn't make it any worse....and certainly doesn't make it any better.
I tried golf. That was a big nope.
I thought perhaps fame and adulation would trigger some improvement. That didn't work either.
When we first started dating this really wasn't as big a problem. It's clearly getting worse.
I wondered if it might be a hereditary family issue. There were signs. But when I look back I have plenty of pictures of the twins looking perfectly normal....
...and they also seem to be concerned about their big sis.
I had hoped that motherhood would somehow fix Nel's travel face, but sadly....
...it seems to be having no effect, and in fact I have concerns that our daughter may suffer from the same affliction.
Finally, after years of exhaustive efforts and desperate pleas for help, I finally came up with a solution!
Yes, there may be something wrong with my wife's travel face, but there isn't another one in the world that I'd rather look at every day.
