Tips for "Winning" on THE BACHELOR

So you've decided to go on THE BACHELOR?  OK, first let's pretend that you're doing this for the right reasons (if you're drawing a blank, the answer is "to find love").  You're going to need all the help you can get to navigate a minefield consisting of A) a spineless, needy, fame hungry Bachelor, B) a production company that will do everything in their power to generate drama, and C) 24 other women as delusional about why they're here as you are. 

Here are a few tips to give you an edge on your quest to bag that fake husband you've been dreaming about since…..you saw him on the last season of "The Bachelorette" (actually, no, since the contestants don't know who the Bachelor will be when they sign up):   

#6 - KEEP YOUR CLAWS IN

This is hard for some women, but you really have to get along with the other girls - no matter how hard it is or how much you have to fake it.  Guys like girls who are easy going and seem to get along with other girls.  The cattiness NEVER stays in the villa.  If you start something with another girl in the house, it WILL get around to the Bachelor somehow - production will make sure of it.

#5 - COMPETE….WITHOUT ACTING LIKE IT'S A COMPETITION

Of course you know you're "competing" with 24 other girls, but don't ever say it like that.  You have to remind yourself that at the end of this there is supposed to be an actual relationship.  After the season is shot, the Bachelor (and everyone else) will be watching all those "private" confessions and comments as the show airs.  Do you really want to take a chance that your future husband sees you "acting" to "win" his love.  If Courtney actually "wins" this season, could Ben really take her seriously after seeing her antics and comments as the season progresses? (well, maybe Ben could - this guy is a real wimp). 

#4 - DON'T TALK BAD ABOUT THE OTHER GIRLS TO THE BACHELOR

Get the other girls to do it for you!  It's OK to commiserate with other girls about the "evil" chick that the Bachelor seems to like but everyone else hates, and you ultimately want someone to tell him how she really is when he's not around, just don't be the one to do it.  Ideally, you can plant little seeds in other girls tiny minds so when they get liquored up they'll crack and spill the beans.  He'll hear negative things about girl X, he'll  hear them from girl Y, but girl U (you) won't have to be involved in something that gives him a bad feeling.

#3 - HIDE YOUR INNER CRAZY FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN

I know this is asking a lot, but remind yourself every day.  I know what you're thinking ladies:  "I'm not crazy, I'm as normal as anybody".  No, you're not.  Normal women don't go on television to compete with 24 other women to find "true love" with some dude they've never met.  You're crazy.  It's OK though.  Just try to keep it on the down low for as long as possible.  If you can make it to the last few episodes without letting your crazy out, you might get your very own season of The Bachelorette….then you can really cut loose and be as crazy as you want to be for 16 full episodes.

#2 - THERE'S NO CRYING IN DATING

Don't do it - just don't!  The ONLY acceptable reason to shed a tear (other than laughing too hard) on the show is if it's an emotional moment for HIM.  For example, on a recent episode the Bachelor started tearing up a little when he saw footage of his late father.  It was perfectly OK for Kacie to shed a comforting tear or two while consoling him.  It seemed sincere and was appropriate.  That's it!  No other crying is OK.  If the Bachelor sees you crying, he'll certainly pay some attention to you and ask you what's wrong, and he may even keep you around for an extra week as a sympathetic gesture, but I promise you he's thinking "oh God, what's wrong with this chick?".

#1 - DON'T DRINK

As a non-drinker, I have years of experience observing women at all stages of inebriation.  Trust me ladies, you NEVER get more charming / smarter / cuter / more interesting / cooler when you're drinking than you are when you're sober - it only seems like it in your chemically altered mind.  A glass of wine may settle your nerves in what is admittedly a very stressful situation, but you're very unlikely to stop at one once you get going.  I can't tell you how many times I've seen women start out the evening of a Rose Ceremony calm cool and collected and end up sobbing in a corner because "Jane doesn't like me"….. it's not Jane (although she may be a drunk bitch too), it's the alcohol.  Stay off the wagon anytime the Bachelor is in sight, you're going to need every one of your brain cells working at full capacity - all 12 of them.   

BONUS TIP

Show some class when you don't get a rose.  Only one girl will survive the entire season without facing rejection, but if you're one of the rest, just suck it up and make a graceful exit.  Don't bad mouth the Bachelor (although he probably deserves it) and don't bad mouth the other girls (although they probably deserve it), just be humble and sad, but maintain composure.  It's OK to shed a tear of sadness in the limo on the way…..well, wherever it is they pretend to take the girls….but don't start sobbing about how you "deserve" to find love.